31-33 weeks

We are hoping to leave today, but as this whole pregnancy has been it is all about waiting, and then seeing and then trying to stay positive. I’m trying my hardest. These last two weeks have just been. I can’t even find the right adjectives for them since most adjectives I find aren’t uplifting. I’ve cried for loss in the moment as well as for the future.

At 32 weeks I was given good news. I was told that the babies look amazing and that we didn’t even want to set any type of “date”: induction or cesarean. The babies’ Doppler’s were good, blood flow was good, head size looked great, both heads were down, and that they were practicing their breathing.

However, also within the same visit I cried because I was afraid to get more bad news. Between my 31st week and my 32nd week a very important person in my life passed on. She was one of my best friends. She had been so caring and kind. She decided to pick up from her own life when I was on modified bedrest after our TTTS surgery and come stay with us. She didn’t have to drive 6 hours to stay with me but she did because that was the friend she was, that was the type of person she was.

This has been the hardest two weeks because I’ve been trying to balance my grief and loss with staying positive. I grieve because of the loss of her future with our babies and I’m trying to stay positive in order to keep babies healthy inside of my body. My reiki friend told me my babies were balance; they were the balance inside myself—so that is what I’ve been trying to do with my emotions. Needless to say it’s been strange.

I cannot say whether or not my broken heart has allowed myself to be where I am right now, but it was something I was warned of a few weeks back when baby A was not growing at the proper rate. (This was before her passing I was warned that there could be a possibility of early labor) Tuesday I was admitted for preterm labor and still in am in the hospital bed. (Thursday 7:00am) I have felt contractions, been on Mg and and being monitored by the staff. As always babies are happy inside showing no signs of distress.

It’s just...it’s been a hard pregnancy and many times I’ve have to face BIG fears. I’ve had to face loosing all control multiple times. Physically I’ve been tired, emotionally I’ve been tested. I feel I’ve learned many lessons. Lessons needed to be learned from past life? Or perhaps just making sure I’m strong enough for them when they’re outside of my body. I do not know the answer for sure, but I remember a couple
of weeks back feeling like I can’t possibly learn anything else—my internal yogi should have known better.


We are trying to stay positive and be positive and are grateful for all of our friends and family. No matter what happens we know the babies will be in good hands at our hospital—but we still hope that they can stay in for another 3 weeks.

Might be my last bump update. 32 weeks with the twins.