Yesterday I was inspired by a friend to pull out my tarot deck and see what the cards had to say for a very important decision in their lives. I was genuinely impressed with how the cards presented and how connected I felt to the process after not pulling cards for a few years. As I know I’ve mentioned before I’ve seen many angel numbers so I do feel connected to my guides, so I felt compelled to ask the deck what it had for myself.

Out popped The Hanged Man, and I literally told the deck “I feel attacked”. If you know me well you know it can be hard for me to “let go”—whether it’s physical objects or hurt feelings I can’t just move on without feeling closure.

After conversing with two of my dear friends who know the tarot well I figured out what The Hanged Man wants me to do:
“I think I’m focusing too much on the like obvious letting go—as I sit with this conversation I’m reminded of maybe it’s about letting go of the future I thought it was going to be—and that’s something I have control over and that’s where maybe I have to refocus my attentions when I’m feeling overwhelmed with the hurt I feel—I need to redirect the pain of the expectations I thought I would have and allowing that to pass through”

Of course this is all easier said than done, and I fully expect to keep seeing this card until the lesson is learned.

The light and darkness are balanced today and we start to approach the seasons during which we turn inward, to rest, and truly to grow.

September is a transforming and transitional month, as we feel the end of summer not only through light but also through temperature—marked by the start of the falling leaves.

It’s amazing to watch the boys transition into their school year and adapt to their new schedules. There is so much growth happening, even when we think we cannot see it.

As a family, we have hit some new milestones, and we could not be prouder. The boys are now able to sit outside at a restaurant without needing their iPads after 20 minutes, and the bubs also adapted beautifully to a completely different routine one day when visiting Nonna and Papa. I also have started new routines with a physical asana practice, and on days when that wasn’t possible, I’ve tried to figure out how to incorporate the elliptical at the YMCA. I still need to work on the diet aspect, but it’s all about little growth over time.

I’ve also felt proud of my ability to establish boundaries and navigate my relationship with alcohol this month. I’ve allowed myself to enjoy it while socializing, but I also didn’t feel the need for it to cope with some sadness and overwhelm. Just as I would praise my sons for their growth, I must do the same for myself.

I look forward to the season ahead because I’m hopeful for more milestones to be met and more proud moments to celebrate.

I’ve been mulling over how I wanted to process some personal data about myself in regards to the reintroduction of alcohol in my life. For the most part it was been a good experience. However, it is not 💯 the way I wanted to experience it.

For example, when first having a glass of wine it didn’t feel right, too heady and I didn’t finished my glass. This made me feel empowered and more like I can just have a little here, and little there no biggie. Which honestly, has been true for the majority of my consumption. I’ve been able to order a sour while out at a brewery, and even had a reasonable amount of beverages when a friend visited from out of town (shout out Rob for another great sour beer).

Now I don’t know if it’s the way of the beast with a certain kind of alcohol or maybe I felt too huberous in my ability to consume but I had TOO much. Over Labor Day weekend Kev and I indulged in some whiskey that a friend brought down (honestly not entirely sure how the bottle got into our home haha). The first felt good, and the second was nice, but I had I know a few too many and with reflection it felt very much like that chasing the good feeling.

I think there is something about the depressant, alcohol, that it DUMPS the dopamine into the brain that the neurodivergence I have feels like to FINALLY get a break. I have a hyperactive mind and it causes so much anxiety and I never feel like I can “turn off”—and that’s the sneaky enticing part of alcohol. It makes me feel like I can “turn off” or “shut down” for a f*ckign moment.

The next day, and even that night I regretted immediately my “lack of willpower”. I felt awful, and Julian woke up at 4 am that morning and it was my instant karma. I was remained of how I had gone a whole year yes being tired but not feeling tired and sick like how alcohol can make you feel sick.

The main analogy I can give and honestly it’s why I developed an eating disorder is many ways, is that I am a sensory seeker. Binging was part of my eating disorder (along with the purging). So even when it comes to foods I KNOW I wont be able to just stop eating, I just won’t buy it—unless I can come to the mental terms of “you cannot be mad at yourself for eating it in a whole sitting” (however with alcohol MUCH more damage will be done).

With all this new found data of myself I am holding myself accountable as well as sharing so it’s not confusing that I cannot buy alcohol for myself for my home. I am perfectly capable to have a beer or glass of wine while out, but at home it’s a completely different situation. I’m definitely going to lean more into mocktails and my adapatogens—but I will still on occasion have a beer at a brewery and on special occasion wine and or a cocktail with Kev on a “date night”.

I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this and I hope if you relate we can talk about it to feel less alone.

​ xx

(oh and just to clarify: this image is an adaptogen infused mocktail with berry tea and lemonade 😜🌟🍋)