July 06th, 2024

I have more thoughts on how to further clarify myself from yesterday’s post. If you know me, you know how I love to over explain myself in order to make sure there is no room for misunderstanding.

As we walked the boys today finding as much shade as possible I wanted to make it clear how I don’t want the boys to CHANGE. They truly are living their best unmasked life, and truly more people should be following their lead of being authentically themselves. This is where I, highly masked autistic person, is trying to navigate this world and this society that we live in. Again, constantly trying to balance it all—finding the grey within my every own black and white thinking,

The grief I inevitably experience is more tied to the idea of what I thought my life would be based off of my lived experience. It’s very common for autistics to not be able to “compute” the reality versus the expectation (many of my son’s meltdowns have been cause by the reality of the situation NOT meeting their pattern recognition for the outcome).

I love uniqueness that is both Harrison and Julian. They each are SO their very own person, and each interact in the world in a way that is a wonder to see. They do not perform, they do not appease for the sake of niceties. They are honest in all their being, and as someone who appreciates honesty I am very proud of them. I am honored to how much affection they show me, because it is not manipulative in ANY way, they show their love because it is WHAT they FEEL. They have so many wonderful things and when they choose you to be in their life it truly cannot be beat.

What I wanted to express yesterday was the idea of how “jokes on me” that I have to process MANY emotions all at once for little things when emotions in general are a lot for me handle. That I am being made to learn even more than I ever thought I could through my sons just being who they authentically are—I know deep down that it is all meant to be this way because I don’t know if I would have the emotional and socially battery to parent a more neurotypical child. I hate to say it, but the idea of “small talk friends” with my child’s friends parent is something I don’t think I would be successful at 😂 (a foot would be inserted in my mouth at SOME point i guarantee it).

So I guess to wrap up my thoughts, I am grateful to have my boys be who they are because as I’ve said to before I would never have truly known myself if I didn’t haven them to guide me~