May 22nd, 2019

“How is everything?”


It’s one of those questions that should be easy to answer. Unfortunately I’m not a person who likes to say “everything’s fine” when things really aren’t.

The boys are fine though; they’re doing really well by their doctors’ and their nurses’ standards. I tell everyone that “they’re doing as well as they can be for their age and weight”. They really are happy when we see them, however I don’t know if they’re happy all day since I can’t see them every moment of every day yet.

Sometimes I sit at home and I don’t really feel like a mom. I’m on the couch with Daisy but when I’m not pumping or noticing my scar and soft belly I’m doing what I did before May 5th. “How are you doing?” It’s the hardest question to answer right now because I feel as if I’m experiencing imposter syndrome because everyone tells me I’m a mom, but I only feel like a mom when I’m in the NICU holding one of my babies.

It’s sad at times but I’m still happier than I used to be; when my dysthymia was unchecked. I wouldn’t even say I have the “baby blues”. I acknowledge these odd feelings and go through all my yogic teachings. The main thing is that this is temporary and they will be home. The next thing is that there is nothing I can do to change the circumstance, no amount of sadness will make the boys come home, no amount of anger will make them develop faster. The only thing I have as a tool is patience and understanding time.