Personal Review

I’ve been mulling over how I wanted to process some personal data about myself in regards to the reintroduction of alcohol in my life. For the most part it was been a good experience. However, it is not 💯 the way I wanted to experience it.

For example, when first having a glass of wine it didn’t feel right, too heady and I didn’t finished my glass. This made me feel empowered and more like I can just have a little here, and little there no biggie. Which honestly, has been true for the majority of my consumption. I’ve been able to order a sour while out at a brewery, and even had a reasonable amount of beverages when a friend visited from out of town (shout out Rob for another great sour beer).

Now I don’t know if it’s the way of the beast with a certain kind of alcohol or maybe I felt too huberous in my ability to consume but I had TOO much. Over Labor Day weekend Kev and I indulged in some whiskey that a friend brought down (honestly not entirely sure how the bottle got into our home haha). The first felt good, and the second was nice, but I had I know a few too many and with reflection it felt very much like that chasing the good feeling.

I think there is something about the depressant, alcohol, that it DUMPS the dopamine into the brain that the neurodivergence I have feels like to FINALLY get a break. I have a hyperactive mind and it causes so much anxiety and I never feel like I can “turn off”—and that’s the sneaky enticing part of alcohol. It makes me feel like I can “turn off” or “shut down” for a f*ckign moment.

The next day, and even that night I regretted immediately my “lack of willpower”. I felt awful, and Julian woke up at 4 am that morning and it was my instant karma. I was remained of how I had gone a whole year yes being tired but not feeling tired and sick like how alcohol can make you feel sick.

The main analogy I can give and honestly it’s why I developed an eating disorder is many ways, is that I am a sensory seeker. Binging was part of my eating disorder (along with the purging). So even when it comes to foods I KNOW I wont be able to just stop eating, I just won’t buy it—unless I can come to the mental terms of “you cannot be mad at yourself for eating it in a whole sitting” (however with alcohol MUCH more damage will be done).

With all this new found data of myself I am holding myself accountable as well as sharing so it’s not confusing that I cannot buy alcohol for myself for my home. I am perfectly capable to have a beer or glass of wine while out, but at home it’s a completely different situation. I’m definitely going to lean more into mocktails and my adapatogens—but I will still on occasion have a beer at a brewery and on special occasion wine and or a cocktail with Kev on a “date night”.

I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this and I hope if you relate we can talk about it to feel less alone.

​ xx

(oh and just to clarify: this image is an adaptogen infused mocktail with berry tea and lemonade 😜🌟🍋)