This biggest part of 2018 came right near the end.
I’ve had to learned a lot this year. Mostly I had to learn more about myself. To be honest I didn't think I needed to learn since I thought I had enough experience; I thought we were ready for that next chapter. However throughout this past year I kept experiencing events where I knew that experience taught me a lesson. There were times where I would feel inside myself that our baby wasn't here because I hadn't witness that, or I hadn't talked to that person yet. It's somewhat humbling finally admitting that you weren't ready. It was very hard having to wait since all I wanted since I was 8 years old was to be a mother. It was what led me to work with children. They always ended up making me happy in some way or another (even when they frustrated me to the core). I always felt this yearning to have a family, to hold that child and feel what my mother felt for me. That is why this past year was one of my toughest year emotionally because I wanted motherhood so badly that every month felt twice as long. And then it seemed like every month was a let down. Almost every month felt like a roller-coaster. There were times where I expressed this frustration: I felt as if I had this graphing calculator and I had its manual. Every time I used it I was putting in all the correct numbers and formulas, but whenever I would hit the enter button an error message showed up. It felt like my body was failing me, it felt like my mind was failing me, and all anyone could do to help was to tell me to not try and think about it. (hardest advice to give to an over-thinker). There were times this past year that really pressed my worrisome side and I truly had to face my biggest fear in life which was the acceptance that maybe I wasn't able to carry children. So, finally we experienced the moment of needing to truly shift focus. My husband is always good at doing this for me--he helps me get out of my obsessive mind. We decided to adopt a fur-baby to help fill this void of wanting to care for another being. We truly decided to try and just focus on a little family of three. Then while waiting for my body to due what it's usually scheduled to do in order to finish up tests to see that I was okay (since we finally hit 1 year of trying to conceive and were approaching the category of infertility) my body was late. I had to be cautious due to past my past experience with a chemical pregnancy, but with help from my cousin we decided to take a test and see what was up.. My husband was working from home and when I flipped the test over to check and there they were, two lines. Little did we know that those two lines would actually be two babies! I was in a way not surprised to see twins at our first ultra sound because I always have felt this sense of humor with the universe. I always worry to excess and in the end I am happy as well as everything is okay! (My husband reminds me of this ALL THE TIME) So I felt when I saw the second fetus that the universe was saying to me: "You wanted to be pregnant! So here you go!" I have to keep reminding myself now that we will figure it all out because when it comes to my husband and I we always do.
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enjoyed lunch and antiquing today with my love—as of late we’ve been focusing on relaxing as the weather becomes colder. We are anxiously awaiting our furbaby go join the family! We can’t wait to show her around Virginia.
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Ava Elise
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