25 days postpartum.
I’m still trying to find comfort in this new body. My back hurts in multiple places all due to lack of strength in my core. My legs are sore from finally getting used to walking more quickly. My incision is numb to the touch. There are so many things I still cannot do that I could do before these babies and even during pregnancy. It makes me miss things that were as much as I am happy to have the things that are now: my sons. I feel emotionally uncomfortable at times due to the size of my breasts. I feel self-conscious because I am not used to them being the way they are now. Some (most) tops aren’t fitting well, and I feel boxy and that I look much older. (Many people will say “no You don’t” but it doesn’t stop what I am feeling) i remember a quote along the lines of being uncomfortable and it being part of the growing process. I know I need to see all of this as a way to grow and become the mother I am suppose to be, but I always have to acknowledge the feelings first. I will start to remind myself to say “what is this teaching me?” Rather than “why is this happening to me?”
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“How is everything?”
It’s one of those questions that should be easy to answer. Unfortunately I’m not a person who likes to say “everything’s fine” when things really aren’t. The boys are fine though; they’re doing really well by their doctors’ and their nurses’ standards. I tell everyone that “they’re doing as well as they can be for their age and weight”. They really are happy when we see them, however I don’t know if they’re happy all day since I can’t see them every moment of every day yet. Sometimes I sit at home and I don’t really feel like a mom. I’m on the couch with Daisy but when I’m not pumping or noticing my scar and soft belly I’m doing what I did before May 5th. “How are you doing?” It’s the hardest question to answer right now because I feel as if I’m experiencing imposter syndrome because everyone tells me I’m a mom, but I only feel like a mom when I’m in the NICU holding one of my babies. It’s sad at times but I’m still happier than I used to be; when my dysthymia was unchecked. I wouldn’t even say I have the “baby blues”. I acknowledge these odd feelings and go through all my yogic teachings. The main thing is that this is temporary and they will be home. The next thing is that there is nothing I can do to change the circumstance, no amount of sadness will make the boys come home, no amount of anger will make them develop faster. The only thing I have as a tool is patience and understanding time. Today was suppose to be 34 weeks for our babies, instead it is 5 days of their life and 5 days postpartum for Mommy.
I will give part of their birth story here but I need more time to write that all down. Sunday driving to the hospital to check if my water had broken I knew the babies were coming Earthside. I just knew it. I wasn’t happy though. I felt like “God damn it, it’s still too soon. It’s too early.” However I knew there was nothing to be done, for some reason they, or at least one of them wanted to come out. I thought I might be able to labor, but when my water broke as I literally walked into labor and delivery I started feeling scared. I think it was due to me being scared and knowing what it all meant: the NICU time, the non-normal delivery etc. Sadly Baby A’s (now known as Harrison) heart rate dropped and wouldn’t come back up so emergency and necessary action needed to be taken. I awoke to no babies with me but to my husband’s face. I had to surrender to everything that just happened to me; after I was wheeled into the NICU and saw Harrison for the first time I knew I knew I had to surrender for them. So I as I look at my body now it’s odd because I don’t hate it. I REALLY thought I would hate it and be very upset, but I’m not. I kind of look at it and think “it is what it is”. I’ll have scar, I might have the pooch but with yoga practice I hope to just build the strength back up. If I have the pooch I hope that I continue to think of the fact that “well I carried two babies. My body did its job” I have to work within myself to work on not letting other people’s opinions (society) affect me—but I have a feeling that kids keep you in the present moment the most! We are hoping to leave today, but as this whole pregnancy has been it is all about waiting, and then seeing and then trying to stay positive. I’m trying my hardest. These last two weeks have just been. I can’t even find the right adjectives for them since most adjectives I find aren’t uplifting. I’ve cried for loss in the moment as well as for the future.
At 32 weeks I was given good news. I was told that the babies look amazing and that we didn’t even want to set any type of “date”: induction or cesarean. The babies’ Doppler’s were good, blood flow was good, head size looked great, both heads were down, and that they were practicing their breathing. However, also within the same visit I cried because I was afraid to get more bad news. Between my 31st week and my 32nd week a very important person in my life passed on. She was one of my best friends. She had been so caring and kind. She decided to pick up from her own life when I was on modified bedrest after our TTTS surgery and come stay with us. She didn’t have to drive 6 hours to stay with me but she did because that was the friend she was, that was the type of person she was. This has been the hardest two weeks because I’ve been trying to balance my grief and loss with staying positive. I grieve because of the loss of her future with our babies and I’m trying to stay positive in order to keep babies healthy inside of my body. My reiki friend told me my babies were balance; they were the balance inside myself—so that is what I’ve been trying to do with my emotions. Needless to say it’s been strange. I cannot say whether or not my broken heart has allowed myself to be where I am right now, but it was something I was warned of a few weeks back when baby A was not growing at the proper rate. (This was before her passing I was warned that there could be a possibility of early labor) Tuesday I was admitted for preterm labor and still in am in the hospital bed. (Thursday 7:00am) I have felt contractions, been on Mg and and being monitored by the staff. As always babies are happy inside showing no signs of distress. It’s just...it’s been a hard pregnancy and many times I’ve have to face BIG fears. I’ve had to face loosing all control multiple times. Physically I’ve been tired, emotionally I’ve been tested. I feel I’ve learned many lessons. Lessons needed to be learned from past life? Or perhaps just making sure I’m strong enough for them when they’re outside of my body. I do not know the answer for sure, but I remember a couple of weeks back feeling like I can’t possibly learn anything else—my internal yogi should have known better. We are trying to stay positive and be positive and are grateful for all of our friends and family. No matter what happens we know the babies will be in good hands at our hospital—but we still hope that they can stay in for another 3 weeks. |
Ava Elise
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