What would have been 34 weeks

Today was suppose to be 34 weeks for our babies, instead it is 5 days of their life and 5 days postpartum for Mommy.


I will give part of their birth story here but I need more time to write that all down.


Sunday driving to the hospital to check if my water had broken I knew the babies were coming Earthside. I just knew it.


I wasn’t happy though. I felt like “God damn it, it’s still too soon. It’s too early.” However I knew there was nothing to be done, for some reason they, or at least one of them wanted to come out.


I thought I might be able to labor, but when my water broke as I literally walked into labor and delivery I started feeling scared. I think it was due to me being scared and knowing what it all meant: the NICU time, the non-normal delivery etc.


Sadly Baby A’s (now known as Harrison) heart rate dropped and wouldn’t come back up so emergency and necessary action needed to be taken.


I awoke to no babies with me but to my husband’s face.


I had to surrender to everything that just happened to me; after I was wheeled into the NICU and saw Harrison for the first time I knew I knew I had to surrender for them.


So I as I look at my body now it’s odd because I don’t hate it. I REALLY thought I would hate it and be very upset, but I’m not. I kind of look at it and think “it is what it is”. I’ll have scar, I might have the pooch but with yoga practice I hope to just build the strength back up. If I have the pooch I hope that I continue to think of the fact that “well I carried two babies. My body did its job”


I have to work within myself to work on not letting other people’s opinions (society) affect me—but I have a feeling that kids keep you in the present moment the most!