Today was suppose to be 34 weeks for our babies, instead it is 5 days of their life and 5 days postpartum for Mommy.
I will give part of their birth story here but I need more time to write that all down. Sunday driving to the hospital to check if my water had broken I knew the babies were coming Earthside. I just knew it. I wasn’t happy though. I felt like “God damn it, it’s still too soon. It’s too early.” However I knew there was nothing to be done, for some reason they, or at least one of them wanted to come out. I thought I might be able to labor, but when my water broke as I literally walked into labor and delivery I started feeling scared. I think it was due to me being scared and knowing what it all meant: the NICU time, the non-normal delivery etc. Sadly Baby A’s (now known as Harrison) heart rate dropped and wouldn’t come back up so emergency and necessary action needed to be taken. I awoke to no babies with me but to my husband’s face. I had to surrender to everything that just happened to me; after I was wheeled into the NICU and saw Harrison for the first time I knew I knew I had to surrender for them. So I as I look at my body now it’s odd because I don’t hate it. I REALLY thought I would hate it and be very upset, but I’m not. I kind of look at it and think “it is what it is”. I’ll have scar, I might have the pooch but with yoga practice I hope to just build the strength back up. If I have the pooch I hope that I continue to think of the fact that “well I carried two babies. My body did its job” I have to work within myself to work on not letting other people’s opinions (society) affect me—but I have a feeling that kids keep you in the present moment the most!
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We are hoping to leave today, but as this whole pregnancy has been it is all about waiting, and then seeing and then trying to stay positive. I’m trying my hardest. These last two weeks have just been. I can’t even find the right adjectives for them since most adjectives I find aren’t uplifting. I’ve cried for loss in the moment as well as for the future.
At 32 weeks I was given good news. I was told that the babies look amazing and that we didn’t even want to set any type of “date”: induction or cesarean. The babies’ Doppler’s were good, blood flow was good, head size looked great, both heads were down, and that they were practicing their breathing. However, also within the same visit I cried because I was afraid to get more bad news. Between my 31st week and my 32nd week a very important person in my life passed on. She was one of my best friends. She had been so caring and kind. She decided to pick up from her own life when I was on modified bedrest after our TTTS surgery and come stay with us. She didn’t have to drive 6 hours to stay with me but she did because that was the friend she was, that was the type of person she was. This has been the hardest two weeks because I’ve been trying to balance my grief and loss with staying positive. I grieve because of the loss of her future with our babies and I’m trying to stay positive in order to keep babies healthy inside of my body. My reiki friend told me my babies were balance; they were the balance inside myself—so that is what I’ve been trying to do with my emotions. Needless to say it’s been strange. I cannot say whether or not my broken heart has allowed myself to be where I am right now, but it was something I was warned of a few weeks back when baby A was not growing at the proper rate. (This was before her passing I was warned that there could be a possibility of early labor) Tuesday I was admitted for preterm labor and still in am in the hospital bed. (Thursday 7:00am) I have felt contractions, been on Mg and and being monitored by the staff. As always babies are happy inside showing no signs of distress. It’s just...it’s been a hard pregnancy and many times I’ve have to face BIG fears. I’ve had to face loosing all control multiple times. Physically I’ve been tired, emotionally I’ve been tested. I feel I’ve learned many lessons. Lessons needed to be learned from past life? Or perhaps just making sure I’m strong enough for them when they’re outside of my body. I do not know the answer for sure, but I remember a couple of weeks back feeling like I can’t possibly learn anything else—my internal yogi should have known better. We are trying to stay positive and be positive and are grateful for all of our friends and family. No matter what happens we know the babies will be in good hands at our hospital—but we still hope that they can stay in for another 3 weeks. 10 years difference.
The first image was not taken on my birthday but it was taken in the spring of 2009 while I was a freshman at Ramapo. It was a moment with a friend where we decided to burn parts of my past. We were trying to rid myself of things I didn’t need. I did not know my husband, I did not know Yoga; I had no idea what life would have in store for me. This year I am: 28, pregnant with twins, living in a completely different state and my career is something I didn’t think it would be. I did not know that this would be my narrative, but the universe has a funny way of working. I am grateful for all the people I’ve met—whether you’ve caused me great joy or great sadness because you all taught me lessons. My twins have already taught me lessons and I haven’t even met them yet. We cannot wait to see your faces Earthside little ones. Stay in for another 6 weeks my loves ❤️ In so many ways I keep understanding why we were given twins. Twins are not easy. 2 is more than 1, last time I checked. If twins were the normal procreation more than 33% of parents would be having them instead of most people have one baby at a time.
With that said, the comments that both my husband and I receive when we are told we are having twins I feel are wearing on me (my husband is like a duck everything is water and it rolls right off).
To me I wonder what are these comments suppose to do? They’re all negative and make the mother or father feel uncomfortable. We understand that two infants at once will be a challenge—as I mentioned before there is a reason the majority of people only have one at a time. However life does seem to balance out. There have been so many yoga students and friends who have been supportive with comments; many saying how we will be great and how we can do it. That was the first thing my mother-in-law said to me: “if anyone can have twins it’s you.” That’s all we need. That’s all ANY parent needs to hear!!! I also love the friends here in VA that have already offered help because that’s what any new parent needs: help! Whether there is one child or two! I think everyone needs to rewatch Bambi and heed Thumper’s words of wisdom: “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Side Note: I know it’s only going to get worse once they’re here but as I started this rant, the universe gave us twins for a reason and one of the reasons is maybe me working on just smiling and moving on! 😂 Feeling a bit body dysmorphic lately. It’s about almost everything aside from my bump. I really love my bump. What’s been hard is not recognizing my face in photographs. I feel like I’ve lost my face. Not sure if it’s my hairstyle plus the weight gain, or it’s just hormones. Also not entirely happy about my neck in certain angles. I feel awful because when my husband tries to take a photograph of me I hate it. I told him the other day that I feel only photogenic in images I do myself. He joked that well it’s because I curate the image and know exactly what I want. I used to love his candids of me bit me but recently I see the images and I don’t see someone I recognize. I want to share the images I don’t think I look my best in as a way to push myself. In yoga we tend to avoid the postures we need for ourselves, that’s why it’s important to take classes with a teacher because they don’t always know what we don’t like. This is an exercise in feeling uncomfortable because that’s part of life; finding comfort in the uncomfortable.
http://www.myregistry.com/giftlist/avakevin
Kevin and I have to be a bit unorthodox when it comes to our first children and having a shower to honor them. We didn’t realize how tricky having twins and being 5-6 hours away from family and friends could be.
Twins in general are high risk and involve many more trips to the doctors office and many more ultrasounds. Twins have to be seen every two weeks till delivery without complications! So with our recent surgery we now will be seeing our doctor every week until their delivery which will more likely be late May rather than early June. This is where we are asking for help if anyone wants to give it. I’ve linked our registry above if you would like to help Kevin and I out to get the things we need before our babies arrival. (You May need to copy and paste if the “link” doesn’t work) We thank you you so much for your love and support of our family.
we love gender neutral colors especially ones seen in our registry as well as these images above—I love the idea of sharing clothes regardless of what gender a child may be.
On February 11th we were hoping for good news on Daddy’s birthday. We were hoping to hear that little A made enough fluid on their own and that the little one just needed some time to grow. However, when I looked at the ultrasound I could tell that we weren’t getting that news. The previous week I kept trying to ask little A to be be okay and to get healthy, but it was out of this little baby’s hands.
Our high-risk doctor gave us good news and “bad news”: good news was that we could still see both bladders and the the blood flow still looked really good, but the fluid levels were even more exaggerated between the babies indicating that they were going towards Twin to Twin Transfer Sundrome. I had slightly “joked” with my mother earlier that week saying that we’ll probably fall into the category out of my luck, since well, it took me long to get pregnant, then out of sheer luck of the universe I was given identical twins (a 3% chance mind you) and most of my life I’ve seemed to fall into that “there’s a slight chance” category. Having that gut feeling made the news not as frightening since I was already preparing for it—although I did shed tears in the room just because I just wanted my babies to be healthy. In what felt like a whirlwind my little family had to head to to MD within a day to make an appointment at Johns Hopkins. The poor furbaby had to fight her anxiety of being in a car and exploring new places as we had to fight our fears of what might happen to our little ones. After my ultrasound with the specialist we met in the conference room to discuss what she found. Out of her mouth came the diagnosis: stage 1 TTTS and selective uterine growth restriction. I remember having to think “take in the information don’t let your hormones get the best of you, don’t cry right now.” We were explained that stage one was mild and that they had to wait and see where the babies would progress; they didn’t want to operate if they didn’t have to. That friday we went in again and and we were actually kind of surprised to see that the little one actually made some fluid. Little A was trying with all their might to survive in the conditions they were given. However, the larger baby had also made more fluid signifying that a surgery was necessary to make sure both babies survived. When you learn about TTTS you hear that if nothing is to be done that there is an 80-100% chance that the babies would not survive. This knowledge haunts me to this day. This meant the surgery was the only choice to make to give them life. The surgery went well, really well. The most painful things that day: the catheter going in & the local anesthetic needle. The rest was just tolerable. One of the worst parts of the surgery was how I was suppose to breathe I was told that I could not take deep belly breaths, I had to take shallow breaths into my chest to help the doctors navigate the amniotic sacs. This was very challenging for two reasons: one being that deep belly breaths are part of my profession and the other is that deep belly breaths is the main way I keep myself calm. Luckily Kevin was there to talk me through and keep me on track. Both ultrasounds following the surgery gave us good news and it seems both babies are doing great. I am an advocate of less is more when it comes to birth. I truly believe that the woman’s body is meant to give birth. Baby size and pelvis size do not matter and there is plenty of research to show that. What I was taught and what I believe is that if you give a woman time and a stress free environment she’ll do what nature intends. However, I truly know now that this does apply to women who are considered low risk, women who are having one baby and who are overal healthy individuals. My pregnancy sadly is not low risk and is a high risk. Thankfully medicine has helped my high risk pregnancy and my babies (fingers crossed) hopefully will be able to be with me till hair 36th week—which is the week of May 22nd not June 9th like I had thought 😂 This biggest part of 2018 came right near the end.
I’ve had to learned a lot this year. Mostly I had to learn more about myself. To be honest I didn't think I needed to learn since I thought I had enough experience; I thought we were ready for that next chapter. However throughout this past year I kept experiencing events where I knew that experience taught me a lesson. There were times where I would feel inside myself that our baby wasn't here because I hadn't witness that, or I hadn't talked to that person yet. It's somewhat humbling finally admitting that you weren't ready. It was very hard having to wait since all I wanted since I was 8 years old was to be a mother. It was what led me to work with children. They always ended up making me happy in some way or another (even when they frustrated me to the core). I always felt this yearning to have a family, to hold that child and feel what my mother felt for me. That is why this past year was one of my toughest year emotionally because I wanted motherhood so badly that every month felt twice as long. And then it seemed like every month was a let down. Almost every month felt like a roller-coaster. There were times where I expressed this frustration: I felt as if I had this graphing calculator and I had its manual. Every time I used it I was putting in all the correct numbers and formulas, but whenever I would hit the enter button an error message showed up. It felt like my body was failing me, it felt like my mind was failing me, and all anyone could do to help was to tell me to not try and think about it. (hardest advice to give to an over-thinker). There were times this past year that really pressed my worrisome side and I truly had to face my biggest fear in life which was the acceptance that maybe I wasn't able to carry children. So, finally we experienced the moment of needing to truly shift focus. My husband is always good at doing this for me--he helps me get out of my obsessive mind. We decided to adopt a fur-baby to help fill this void of wanting to care for another being. We truly decided to try and just focus on a little family of three. Then while waiting for my body to due what it's usually scheduled to do in order to finish up tests to see that I was okay (since we finally hit 1 year of trying to conceive and were approaching the category of infertility) my body was late. I had to be cautious due to past my past experience with a chemical pregnancy, but with help from my cousin we decided to take a test and see what was up.. My husband was working from home and when I flipped the test over to check and there they were, two lines. Little did we know that those two lines would actually be two babies! I was in a way not surprised to see twins at our first ultra sound because I always have felt this sense of humor with the universe. I always worry to excess and in the end I am happy as well as everything is okay! (My husband reminds me of this ALL THE TIME) So I felt when I saw the second fetus that the universe was saying to me: "You wanted to be pregnant! So here you go!" I have to keep reminding myself now that we will figure it all out because when it comes to my husband and I we always do. |
Ava Elise
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